Since it seems to be the fashion in this age of speculation of doom and gloom to posit a piece of nonsense, call it a theory and claim it must be true because there are a lot of people who support it, I conducted a poll and found that many people will buy into something just because they want to. With this mound of information I will now expose you to a well hidden theory long restricted from the public eye. The impending consequences of Global Weather Moderation.
Now don’t take this lightly. Do you realize that if the mean temperature of the planet was to go unchanged for the next two thousand years there would be a Katrina every year, the floods and mudslides would continue to occur, there would be tornados in the midwest, sandstorms in the desert and rain in England. I dare say this could be catastrophic for the future generations knowing that every year there would be weather events like we have seen before. We could only be thankful that this phenomena did not occur during the year of the Johnstown flood or the eruption of Mt. St. Helens.
And of course you know who is to blame for this, don’t you? Why of course it’s those nasty industrialists that produce such superficial commodities as energy, machinery and tools. They have ( under the wise direction of Congress ) been able to moderate their ugly pollution levels to such a degree that no weather changes are expected for as far as the Commissioner of Energy Variation can see. This may seem like small potatoes to you ( no pun intended ) but you must realize this is important and there will be grants by the bajillion available for scientists unversed in theory phoniness to study, further theorize, restudy, report, promote and lecture on this long latent scourge.
I hate to be the bearer of such bad news but I had to raise the alert before the global warning crowd misled the world by ignoring what is really happening. You know they iced the ice age theory and you can be sure they will try their best to downplay this idea also.
Why should they be the only ones that get to accuse the industrialists of crimes against humanity. That isn’t fair. That doesn’t allow for a diversity of opinion. I was just talking to a Swahili tribal chief the other day and he told me for a fact he cannot remember in a long time how the weather has been so like he used to remember it. So there you are. A voice in the wilderness maybe, but can we afford to ignore the wisdom of others who are entitled to their opinion and have the data to back it up.
I do hope Congress and the President recognize the gravity of this situation and won’t set their priorities on some superficial concern like balancing the budget or winning a war. They are so easily swayed from the really long term things that mine and their great grandchildren will need to face if they don’t act now. Changing weather moderation is no small task and it requires meetings , hearings, polls, (lots of polls) and study and subpoenas , conference calls, alerts and a FEMA director unswayed by the travesty of disaster. Congress has its work cut out for it. I only hope they are up to the job what with the upcoming election and all that will in all probability have to be put on the back burner until we can get a handle on this.
Now please don’t alarm the children. Tell them they will learn all about this in their school just as soon Congress can appropriate the funds for the books , send out the books , review the books , interview and hold hearings for the writers of the books and check out the credibility of the book binders . They must be told to be patient and never forget that no matter what happens there are government experts working on this issue and they know what to do.
I do hope this revelation can be properly assimilated and not blown out of proportion. This thesis, although probably highly verifiable, must be thoroughly examined, reviewed, calculated diced , sliced and sautéed before we act in haste but in the mean time we must do something. I leave this in the hands of Congress who knows how to deal with the fear of the moment without much fanfare and I’m confident they will collectively accept full responsibility if everything works out okay.
It will be a long time before we can absolutely verify if what we have done is the correct avenue of operation, but we can be comforted by the fact that we haven’t just sat on our hands and ignored the issue and done nothing. And we will know if it is working if the weather changes ever so slightly from the past year in exactly the same spot at the same time of day. We of course will require a large staff to hire , train and monitor these lookers and they will need assistants to write what they observe in a fine recordable brand of penmanship that is not susceptible to the vagaries of this computer age where everything is susceptible to a crash and a loss of data. There are several medieval monks still cloistered in the Alps of France that promise to be likely candidates for this task. I must stop this expose’ for now and get busy notifying and contacting the people who understand the gravity of this situation as I ‘m sure they will be anxious to hear when they should get started on the tasks before them. If you, the reader, have any concern with this and are unsure what you can do , please write or call your representative immediately and ask them what they know about this new fear. If they play dumb be assured they are in an anti-panic mode and are not sure their clearance has been granted. Just tell them you understand and to call you when clearance has been granted. They’ll appreciate your understanding.