An IMPORTANT High Holiday Message To The Gentiles From The Jews

Well, folks, it’s that September time of the year again. Beginning with Rosh Hashanah (translated as Head of the Year) on Monday, followed by Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two-day period.

Along with being the celebration of the first of four Jewish New Year (long story) and God’s creation of the world. BTW, God’s first creation was the game of Baseball. As the Bible begins, “In the big inning.”

Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe. That’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby, but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents.

The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider how we missed the mark during the previous year and atone for our wrongs.

Five days after Yom Kippur is Sukkot, a very dangerous holiday because it involves Jewish men using tools.

Some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time with family in God’s waiting room (Boca Raton). In New York State, where I live, there is a law saying that all Jews must move to Florida once they hit 65 years old (SHHH, I haven’t complied—YET). Making Aliyah and moving to Israel satisfies that NY law. And if you bring a young family with you, your joy will be doubled.

On Rosh Hashanah, many in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days, Friday night, Sat., and Sun.

While they observe the same number of days during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Israeli Jews end Sukkot a day earlier. They don’t have to spend as many days praying because from Israel to God, it’s a local call.

Before we turn off our computers to start the holiday at sundown, remember, we’ve built a friendly little internet here. Please behave yourselves while we are gone. We’re not asking–we’re telling.

Here are a few rules to consider:

Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. Do you know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks? It’s true. We can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account with one phone call. You don’t believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?
Don’t make a mess of the place. The cleaning lady was here on Thursday, the day before the holiday. We don’t want to spend Monday night picking up trash!. Don’t make cleaning our house like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. As soon as it’s done, I have to start again. Get that look off your face. It will freeze that way.
No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor and know how much is in every bottle. Remember, we can treat you like adults, or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.
In case you get hungry, we left some brisket, chopped liver, and kugel in the fridge.
And for Pete’s Sake!!! Please put the food back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes excellent leftovers. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—-there are people starving in Hoboken.
If you eat any food, please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour, or you will get cramps and possibly hurt yourself. We don’t want to get sued—remember, we have more lawyers than you do.
Please stop slouching. It will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles; the sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.
Don’t run with scissors! Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out.
Remember to close the door when you go outside; you don’t live in a barn.
In case you need us, we left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge. But don’t call during services unless it’s a major emergency, like Tommy accidentally cut a finger off.
Summer weather is almost over. If you go outside, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the Empire State Building–would you.
Whether you go out or not, remember to wear clean underwear. What will people think of the neighborhood if you’re in an accident wearing dirty underwear?
If you choose to chew gum, make sure you don’t swallow the gum. If you do, your poo will bounce up and down when you go to the bathroom.
Don’t stream anything your parents haven’t approved. We have probably seen the film and can give you good advice, like when Tommy wanted to watch Pulp Fiction. He didn’t know until we told him it was a documentary about oranges.
Don’t stay up too late; remember, the internet lady turns everything off around eight at night.
2024 Is a year we vote for President. Your parents may have strong opinions about who to vote for— ignore them. Pray that those elected President, the Vice President, and all the constituted officers of America’s government make the correct decisions to protect our lives and make its economy grow. Pray that whoever wins executes their responsibilities with intelligence, honor, and compassion. And pray that the new president, like most Americans, Jewish or not.