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The game of presidential politics is often described as musical chairs.  Actually it is more like “Pop Goes the Weasel”.  Since national elections have proved to be irrelevant, tweedledum and tweedledee charades, what’s the point in getting worked up over the next cycle?  Well adjusted minds know that the next presidency will just be another administration that wastes the country. Another ‘Croissant Kerry’ run would drive the electorate to riot.  A McCain march will never get fundamental troops to get in line.  What will the parties on both sides of the same coin do?  When in doubt call in the consultants and pollsters . . .

That ‘sage of sleaze’ Dick Morris may be hawking his new book Condi vs. Hillary, but he just might be on to something novel.  What a refreshing thought two babes jumping into the square circle for a mud fight.  Now that’s entertainment!  OK toe sucking may not qualify you to nominate the next Geena Davis for Commander and Chief, but it sure gives you a leg up on navigating the storms in the bedroom of realpolitik.  Hyped consensus has the former First Felon ready and eager to burst into office.  She evens has all that the old furniture to refurnish the White House.  Too bad that the torture of a natural campaign must meddle with simply acclaiming and crowning her queen.  Comrade Democrats would get their wish, a return to the good old days of national health paid for by all those bad profiteers.

Just look at the advantage of having a serial philander as the ‘leading man’ at State functions.  That goes equally for hubby Slick Willie, you get two for the price of one!  All you have to do is look under the dress and you will find the stuff that dreams are made from.  Hillary is a man’s woman that appeals to the trendy  tender gender on both coasts.  She’s has a lock on the fear factor and will be the survivor of all the village people.  Condi on the other hand just doesn’t stack up against such formidable odds.  Charges of living in a cabin of Toms will not bring home the rice to feed the country club set.  And who thinks that she will attract the community vote when the first black president and campaign spouse manager goes to his Harlem office.  Nope, with a partner like Bill, Hillary will brush off a lightweight shoe stomping tap dancer like a Secretary who works at the State Department.

What the GOP (great odious pillagers) must do is to bring out the big guns and blow away a challenge from a carpetbagger who reconstructed the Empire State.  That means to run against the wicked witch of lying history; a Ph.D. in poetry studies and supremely lady-like who is well founded in “Telling the Truth” needs to be the standard bearer for the party.  Don’t get this wrong.  This broad is tough as nails.  She can out beef the other bitch.  “Kings of the Hill” is in her blood but has that touchy and feely side that only “Sisters” appreciate.  Ah, “a Western romance novel celebrated at womyn-only folk festivals for its graphic depictions of brothel activity, Sapphic coitus, and powerful statement on the putrescence of masculine anatomy relative its vegetable garden competition”, what more is needed to win the female vote?

Who is this damsel who can handle any crossfire?  Just because there is ‘Something About Mary’ her daughter is “still invited to Thanksgiving – hopefully always alone.”  Not much different from the purported spawn by that Rodham model.  Who says that only liberals are progressive?  At least that other offspring is normal, that covers the rank and file vote.  A seven year stint as Chairman (or is that person?) of the National Endowment for the Humanities made “art safe for Pat Buchanan”.  Wow, she’s got the paleo vote!  Now she is a Senior Fellow (must mean one of the boys) at the American Enterprise Institute (AEI), “a non-partisan think tank devoted to improving the plight of average Christian white Americans everywhere.”  Now she’s cooking, the fundamental crew is aboard.

Yep, our heroine is none other than Lynne Cheney. A Second Lady is preferable to the First ‘damnable’ Dame.  Now let’s get to the real good stuff.  By putting forth Lynne Cheney the country gets to keep the CEO in his job of running the country.  Another eight year term becomes the chant.  Rallies would shout the slogan: “Fear not what your country will do to you – Big Brother is really Big Daddy!”  (tm and copyright that quote) 

Yes sir, Dick Cheney is more important than that Rove brain, he is the master of the estate.  No question he is the most competent executive ever to run a White House.  Colonel House, eat your heart out.  Even a stroke ridden Wilson didn’t make a closest aide more potent as the Oz that runs Dubya.  This Big Daddy is just what the public wants, even if they fail to be favorable to him in the polls.  Only a man who can tame the Klinton shrew is qualified to keep that cat off the hot roof of the imperial palace.  

Electing a daughter from a coal miners’ state is the dream of any oil man.  Who needs Anwr, when you got all that anthracite to drive the engines of the paternal plantation?  Using a hard hand to dispense tough love is the way to replace compassionate conservatism.  Lynne can let her other half do the overseer work.  She can become another Margaret Thatcher, an “iron lady”, looking for her own Falkland Islands.  Who else is better suited to guide her than the most successful Secretary of Defense in the modern era? 

For the doubters, the one condition to secure your support is that the NeoCons will be relegated to the back row.  No more greater USrael for this cowgirl.  Pork will also be served again at state dinners.  Dickie boy will curb his orthodox appetites and Martha Stewart will be invited to do the catering.  All is well when the nation has a president you can believe in . . .

Still skeptical?  Then you have a long way to go to become a radical reactionary.  Keeping the bionic Cheney in the loop doesn’t mean you have a Frankenstein partner.  It only means that this “Big Mama” cracks the whip.  Our Maggie won’t let Big Daddy become a Brick.  What will a Lynne Cheney triumph be like?  Surely it would be more than out of a play by Tennessee Williams. “What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof? – I wish I knew. . . . Just staying on it, I guess, as long as she can. . . .” (Act 1, p. 31)  At the very least it would be a blogroll against Hillary in 2008.

That alone is enough for those big tent Republicans to rally to the cause of their party. Commissar Clinton bedding to the vision of Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok is a national security risk.  Now that’s a press release too cruel to endure. 

In the end the policy difference between either a Cheney or Clinton administration would hardly reverse the collectivist course for America.  That is why it is just another Pop Goes the Weasel election.

Round and round the cobbler’s bench

The monkey chased the weasel,

The monkey thought ’twas all in fun

Pop! Goes the weasel.


A penny for a spool of thread

A penny for a needle,

That’s the way the money goes,

Pop! Goes the weasel.


A half a pound of tupenny rice,

A half a pound of treacle.

Mix it up and make it nice,

Pop! Goes the weasel.


Up and down the London road,

In and out of the Eagle,

That’s the way the money goes,

Pop! Goes the weasel.


I’ve no time to plead and pine,

I’ve no time to wheedle,

Kiss me quick and then I’m gone

Pop! Goes the weasel.


Vote at your own risk casting your ballot for a DemocRAT or a RepubliCAN’T.



iPatriot Contributers


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