Duty calls and somehow I got back from Canada so you, dear readers, can again have the information to plan your life. Even though, I, Nostradamus Jr., slightly unsteady after four Mason jars of South Carolina deep swamp hootch, am ready for this year’s predictions.
1. Actor Peter Lorre will be rediscovered by the under-fifty crowd, who will start asking, “Why can’t modern actors and actresses act?”
2. 1,807,023 environmentalists will defecate and another 3,000,098 will lose sight when the idiots discover they can’t collect the reward offered by ESSO to anyone who can purchase a cup of inorganic coffee.
3. Bill Clinton’s latest rape victim will report the disgraced ex-president waxes in order to better spot his bent Vienna sausage.
4. Madagascar will become the newest nuclear-armed nation and threaten to invade Goa.
5. Kato Kalin will be found dead from 14 tennis balls deftly inserted where the sun don’t shine.
6. Seventy-six percent of Emory students, having heard Jingle Bells during the Christmas season, will sue the University for Mental Duress. The controversy will lead to the remaining twenty-four percent receiving counseling from the university as the turmoil caused by the candy-asses revealed there is no Santa.
7. Despite the protest of one billion Indian citizens, Tiger Woods will be cast as Gunga in the remake of Gunga Din.
8. The Clintons will continue to set the pace and elevate other white trash by comparison.
9. Numerous New Age writers (AKA, gullibles) will suffer arthritic fingers trying to prove the sacred feminine.
10. Monkey molester Jane Goodall will be crushed when Lorenzo the Gorilla rejects her prom invitation.
11. The corpse of Larry King will wed wives 23 & 24 this year while divorcing wives, 9, 17 &21.
12. Scientific studies of Vidalia onions will fail to reveal why anyone wants an onion that lacks the flavor of an onion.
13. The nation will face a mustard shortage when zonked-out environmentalists free the warehoused seed supply during a night raid.
14. PETA will expand by attempting to protect cumquats.
15. The nation will be embarrassed when Michelle Obama handcuffs herself to the bathroom plumbing and police are forced to physically evict her from the White House.
16. Trump’s swooping topknot will be sworn in two days before Trump himself.
17. Pope Frances, appearing in the garb of a circus clown, will admit to being the first non-Catholic Pontiff.
18. Police will be called to Nevada’s Bunny Ranch when the Convention of United Pipe Fitters flood the joint and make some unwelcome adjustments to the merchandise.
19. Historians will prove a little-known writer named William Shakespeare was the real author of the plays claimed by the public and fake playwright, also named William Shakespeare, who took all the credit.
20. Ancient Aliens will claim to have discovered the Bible’s lost book of Ralph shortly after their prior claimed discovery, the gay gospel of Stanley, is exposed as a forgery by Queer Nation.
21. Demographic experts will be at a loss to explain why Jum-ba-laya became the number one name for newborns during 2017.
22. Already a smash hit in the Middle East, goat wrestling will become popular in the US Midwest and three Chinese provinces.
23. It will be revealed Anthony Weiner tweeted photos of Justin Beaver’s testicles & penis as his own.
24. Renowned sculptor Pierre “Boom Boom” Lunamanos will agree to sculpt Michelle Obama for 4.3 million dollars if he can make the piece with a normal sized derriere. The cost will double if the ex-first lady wants her entire grandiose butt included in the bronze. Sycophants of the first lady will immediately launch a Go-Fund-Me effort to have the entire monstrosity included. By year’s end, they will have raised enough for Pierre to fashion the left cheek.
25. Joel Osteen will team up with Liberal sex symbol, Jan-nut Reno, and launch a big burger chain featuring blessed cheese.
26. Bernie Sanders will leave the Senate to replace the current guy acting as Colonel Sanders.
27. Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide authored by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s less serious self, will become the book of choice to throw at misbehaving cats.
28. Federally-funded scientist and noted prankster, Milton P. Milton PhD’s, RQQ, Esq., will end all funding for cloning after he releases 8 trillion cloned house flies.
29. Elvis will surface in North Korea when Obama’s deputy Ambassador Dennis Rodman discovers the King of R&R has been held and forced to perform for the Kim family the past 37 years.
30. Congressman Jarod Nadler will claim he’s Michael Moore when he’s arrested for shoplifting 22 pounds of Crisco from Costco.
31. A cult worshiping Barney Fife will form in California. The existing cult will immediately riot, claiming to be the only one sanctioned by Fife’s high priest, Gomer.
32. Flo—formerly America’s girlfriend—will put on an additional 75 pounds and quit Progressive Insurance to become the Pillsberry Dough Girl.
33. Stephen King will release two more yawners this year.
34. ABC’s most inaccurate reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will undergo hormone treatments so she can grow a mustache like her idol Geraldo.
35. Pocahontas, Jr., aka, Sen. Elizabeth Warren will leave the Senate to become a cheerleader for the Washington Redskins.
36. Satan’s more evil son, 109 year-old Nazi George Soros, will reveal where he purchases the human organs that keep him alive.
37. Slow-witted Cindi Sheehan, former darling of the left and mainstream media outlets will be found wandering about homeless and mumbling: “Where are the caring liberals that used me and my dead son?”
38. Islamic scholar and former prison camp supervisor, I’bin Bungholed Onetimetoomany, will write a thesis explaining why, under Sharia law, OJ Simpson did the right thing.
39. Extremely weird Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann will lose his remaining seven viewers when he refuses to let them enter his heavily bolted special dressing room.
40. Lib’s can relax as Prez Trump will only have every 137th gay shot, every 209th atheist hung, only black people named Elmer eliminated, every 22nd ugly feminist forced into plastic surgery, and every 509th Vegan force-fed Spam.
41. With the end of the Democrat presidency, the corporate/CIA media will again report on the murders and brutal acts occurring in Darfur.
42. Barry “Aladdin” Obama will surprise the world by converting to Catholicism and move into position to become the next Pope.
43. Trump will surprise political insiders by holding a lottery to select the second Secretary of State he picks.
44. Wanted international criminal, George Soros, will make yet another fortune when his $100,000 per book, “Purchasing Fresh, Lower Priced Organs on the Asian Market,” is released to fellow billionaires.
45. Prez-Elect Trump’s Nobel Prize is already in the mail and will arrive the day before he is inaugurated, giving him a one-upmanship on Obama for being honored for nothing.
46. Madonna’s big ol’ good ‘un & Miley Cyrus’ good ol’ big ’un will be bronzed and put on display at Anthony Weiner’s new venture, “Carlos Danger’s Taco Shop.”
47. Sports associated people will be embarrassed for using the term “Basketball IQ” and “Football IQ” when people start saying things like, “Zeke’s tire-changing IQ, Frank’s plumbing IQ, Bubba’s pencil-sharpening IQ, and Elrod’s pork chop-eating IQ.”
48. The doom enveloping America’s liberal community will deepen and spread when they realize they will never again hear Hillary Rodman Clinton bless America by giving a speech using only her colored voice.
49. Police will show they no longer fear the racism card from Al “Alley cat “Sharpton by ticketing him for jaywalking.
50. President Trump will shock the world and sink the U. N. when he agrees to wear a Yale rowing team t-shirt to Indian leg wrestle Vladimir Putin, clad only in mink ear muffs, over control of the Ukraine.
51. Surprising Republicans and Democrats alike, Hillary Clinton will renounce the lesbian lifestyle, desert Bill, and flee with Carl Rove, clad in his Superman suit, to enjoy her fortune in Bahrain.
52. Dr. Ben Carson, a leading neurosurgeon, will offer media members free lobotomies.
53. Albert Gore will suffer life-threatening injuries when he mishandles an ice cube during a man-made global warming demonstration.
54. The Joan Rivers murder mystery will be made into a TV movie with Lindsay Lohan playing the cadaver.
55. Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, will be charged as a serial mass murderer after he’s caught lacing taco dough with concentrate of Oleander juice.
56. On February 26, 2016, twenty-four Alcoholics Anonymous dropouts will gather at 1 pm. Each will drain a pint of Wild Turkey before taking a whiz on unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy’s, grave as they protest his ninety months of sobriety.
57. Joey Baywhore will be hospitalized when she breaks into an I-hate-Trump raving fit on the Atlantic City Boardwalk and a large, somewhat moldy sea gull flies down her throat. Hospital spokesman will announce that, due to his exposure to the foul sewage, they are putting the gull on four days of IV antibiotics before releasing him.
58. Donald Trump will undergo hostile attacks minutes after he is sworn in as democrats claim his future Presidential Library is a fraud and should not be part of Trump University.
59. Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, will no longer have to survive on a dollar a month as President Trump will name him ambassador to Kenya.
60. It will be revealed NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, supported Trump because the Clinton’s never asked them to Orgy Island.
61. In December 2005, the herd-like mentality of the left was unleashed in force. Regressives couldn’t have vicious murderer Stanley Tookie Williams burning in hell. No, America was subjected to weeping and teeth gnashing at the thought this wonderful killer could die. There were demonstrations liberal puppet masters could take pride in. Amazingly twelve years later, when asked, 999 out of a 1000 regessives respond with, “Who the fuck is Stanley Williams?” while the remaining thousandth names him as a utility infielder for the Reds.
62. America has sadly not seen the last of Anthony Weiner, poster boy for regressive sexual freedom, as he will start sending shots of his privates to elected Republican women with copies to Chucky Schumer.
63. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, having diverted her scientific studies to learn why Jello shimmies, will present her findings to a special caucus of Democrat congress members, who will find it spellbinding.
64. Abraham Van Helsing, VI, will re-stake Katharine Graham’s heart to ensure the D.C. area is spared a few years more from night terror.
65. Donald Trump will shock the nation’s propagandist reporters by insisting on riding around Washington, D.C. in a badly restored 1946 flathead, 6-cylinder, Ford pickup truck.
66. Hillary Clinton will be sued by members of her Bimbo Squad claiming they were underpaid for stalking and tormenting rape victims. Furthermore, even though she lost, they will claim they deserve severance pay because there’s not a great call for the type terroristic work they performed.
67. G.W. Bush will be devastated to learn his “Miss me Yet?” joke has more Democrats than Republicans missing him.
68. NOW (Not Our Wombs) spokeslady and well-tattooed, bull-dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will shock the liberal world by thanking Trump for running against Hillary’s pro-rape stances.
69. Melania Trump will be the first sitting First Lady to do a Playboy shoot.
70. Herpetologists will send Frill-Necked Lizard, Harry Reid and Scarlett-Throated Mitch McConnell to Java to put some genetic diversity back into the Komodo Dragons’ gene pool.
71. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien toenail clipper.
72. Brooklyn N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, formerly known as Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Lady Gaga and deliver a far superior performance than the original ever achieved.
73. C. Jonathan Gruber, a major developer of Obamacare, who openly called Democrat voters stupid for supporting the program, and received millions in kickback money for his failed website, will not be retained by the Trump administration.
74. Due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color, Al Gore and his lily-white security force will remain in the palest section of England.
75. Public intellectual and noted moderate radio host, Michael Savage, will expose liberal hypocrisy by asking a limp-wristed regressive to explain why Islam allowing slavery is not important.
76. The Obama’s will move to a mansion on the Crawford ranch to enjoy the company of the Bush family and Osama bin Laden.
77. PBS, the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of nationally elected politicians, will become hysterical that Trump might end their leeching from the public trough.
78. With the end of the Barry Obama presidency, Kim Jong-un will again become the world’s most dysfunctional world leader.
79. Quivering Chris “Fatty” Matthews’ will need psychiatric counseling when he realizes he didn’t quiver or get an erection from Trump’s inauguration.
80. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will be shocked to find the IRS has an interest in their tax-shelter dodges.
81. Liberals will be asked to explain why Hillary Clinton’s cursing-out of Donna Brazille, including using the racist name, “Buffalo, is not considered as sinful as if a Republican did it.
82. In a last desperate attempt to stop the Trump inauguration, the Hillary Clinton team will present papers claiming Donald Trump was born in Kenya to a British missionary couple.
83. The politically correct History Channel will actually manage to produce one historically accurate half-hour program, featuring a mere twenty minutes of commercials.
84. PETA activists will withdraw their support for mosquitoes after two of their leaders get stuck in a southern swamp for two hours.
85. Pocahontas, Jr. , AKA, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, will attend the Trump inauguration in warpaint.
86. ABC’s most inaccurate reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will be replaced by a seeing-eye monkey and a trained duck named Al as the network strives to be sensitive to charges it is prejudice to other species.
87. Goofy-looking and goofier acting Mayor DeBlasio’s dictatorial policies will result in an earth-shattering shift to the right in New York State.
88. Satan’s more evil son, 109 year-old Nazi George Soros, will openly advocate for sex with children.
89. Despite pleas from regressive leftists, super liberal Richard Stengel, TIME Magazine editor and Democrat party donor, will double-down on his statement that Democrats are low information voters.
90. People who keep up with the extremely weird will wonder when Gerald Riviera will do a show to discover what is inside Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann’s bolted steel office door.
91. Islamic scholar and former Salvation Army tambourine man I’bin Bungholed One time too many will write a thesis proving prophet and child rapist, Mohammed really did have and enjoy trips on his flying donkey.
92. Federally funded scientist, Milton P. Milton, PhD, despite being frozen in a solid block of ice with his hockey stick for two years on Alaska’s north slope will still think man-made global warming will yet save him.
93. International corporations will continue to fund oblivious progressives’ anti-corporate Occupy Wall Street operations.
94. Americans of all races, creeds and gender choices will be invited by Democrat members of the Senate and House to join in their five minutes of mass hatred session at 7 p.m. daily.
95. Those who did not care about Obama’s sealed records will continue to moan about Trump not releasing his taxes.
96. Thanks to the CIA-corporate media, most Americans will remain oblivious to hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein’s involvement in a child sex abuse scandal involving many politicos.
97. During 2017, one in fourteen Democrats will have enough synapses fire concurrently to accurately grade Trump good or bad.
98. “Sports Illustrated” will devote an issue covering methods to cheat at tiddlywinks.
99. Hopscotch will become an Olympic sport when it is realized the game is the most-played sport on earth.
100. “Black Lives Matter” will continue to avoid caring about or doing anything to help black lives.
101. Despite some conservative’s hopes, Donald Trump will not signify the Second Coming.
Well, Dear Readers you can now plan your lives with this portal into the future. Meanwhile I, “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher plan to enjoy the hootch and fine ladies littering Big Earl’s House of Porn and Bait Shoppe until another year demands a batch of new predictions.
About the author:
William B. “Bill” Kaliher has traveled Mexico at every opportunity since the 1960s by car, bus, train and motorcycle. Although known for his Mexican travel articles he’s written over 600 articles for publication from The World & I, The Pragmatist and Down Memory Lane to Ether Zone. He is currently promoting his book: Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide.
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the author and are not not necessarily either shared or endorsed by iPatriot.com.