Are you lonely, feel uncomfortable in social situations, have a narrative to spread or just strive to be a Shit Lord? Hi I’m Roger and here at GargleBook we’ve created the perfect platform for you to pretend you’re actually doing something with your life ……. or have friends.
GargleBook is a new and upcoming social platform that promotes freedom of expression. For now. So, for now we’d like you to create as much content for our up and coming site as possible. Jihadist? Communist? Antifa? We just don’t give a shit. For now. You know until we start raking in some bucks.
“But your site is free Mr. Horton what is your product?” It’s funny you should mention that because my dear golden goose you are. That’s right, we require you to give us all kinds of information about yourself for “verification purposes” and then we take that information and sell it to people who want to sell you shit you don’t want or need. Once we got some basic information from you like your email address and your cell phone number we start monitoring all of your electronic activities so that we can further refine your profile and sell your information for more.
You don’t want to give us your cell phone number?
Do you think Cubans are fighting for healthcare or freedom from Communism?
That is a legitimate concern and you should be worried about your privacy which we promise to protect and (ahem) not share with others. If you don’t have a cell phone you probably aren’t a trend buyer and don’t have a credit card so you’re pretty much worthless to us. Oh we’re also going to need at least one credit card and we’ll get that from you by making up a company that will sell you cheap, useless items from mostly China. But “for now” we might let you join anyway to convince others to join.
Once we get large enough to attract users from Europe and China we won’t be needing you “I’m not giving you my cell phone” people so we’ll be demanding your cell number and if you don’t give it to us we’ll make up some excuse to lock you out of your account. For those of you dumb enough to remain stop posting so much. Your enthusiasm was great while we were building this site but now you’re just annoying.
You can forget about that freedom of expression thingy too because once the bucks start rolling in we don’t want to start offending anyone. Besides freedom of expression is just an American construct and 300 million potential clients isn’t much compared to a world of 6 or 7 billion potential clients. Now if we can help discourage people from posting whatever the hell they want we can keep raking in the kind of livestock, I mean people who will buy crap and make us richer. And just to make this all look legit we’ll let the ADL do the censoring because of the Holocaust.
Sure you could be outside doing outside stuff in the cold dangerous world or even having sex but wouldn’t you rather be safe indoors in that oversized closet you claim is your computer room with a list of “friends” and “family” you’ll never ever have any real physical contact with covered in Skittles and drooling Mountain Dew? Of course, you would. Besides everyone else is doing it.
So sign up today at GargleBook with no strings so we can let you and other users help each other get addicted to our service so when we ask you again for your cell phone number you’ll give it to us immediately to prevent disappointment and regret. We promise you’ll get at least one like …. from us once we get all your personal information.
Cha ching bitches!
*Image of Jack Hunter used without permission but I’m pretty sure he’d appreciate the publicity.
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