While meeting the press on June 23rd, President Biden accidentally flashed a card featuring instructions from his staff. If the card had talking points about big issues the list would receive little or no coverage in the press but this card is major news because it contained simple instructions that had nothing to do with policy. So simple it was scary.
The instruction on the card included:
- “YOU enter the Roosevelt Room and say hello to participants.”
- “YOU take YOUR seat. “
- “Press enters.”
- “YOU give brief comments […]” This note was partially blocked by Biden’s finger.
- “Press departs.”
- “YOU ask Liz Shuler, President, AFL-CIO, a question. Note: Liz is joining virtually.”
- “YOU thank participants.”
- “YOU depart.”
It reads like instructions given to a five-year-old. Or what one should tell someone with dementia.
But there’s more.
Last night I wondered if there were other instructions that were left off the card. So I did what I normally do in cases like this. I sent my Cousin Ben the Spy (his mother wanted him to go to law school, but that is a story for a different day).
Ben was the perfect man for the job. A master of disguise, Ben always finds a way to listen in on meetings without or sneak into offices without being noticed. When he was in college, Ben spent his summers on a rig in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea drilling for extra virgin olive oil (which he tells me you get from UGLY trees).
I asked Ben to sneak into Congressional offices and find the instructions left off the card. The card was tiny so there had to be some suggested but left out. As payment for Ben’s action, I made me promise to get him tickets to the next time the NY Jets make the Super Bowl (sadly a promise that will never have to be fulfilled, at least in my lifetime).
Early this morning Cousin Ben called, he came home with all the information asked for). He emailed me the list of items left off the instruction card:
- Your name is Joe Biden
- When you take your seat make sure to sit in the middle of the chair, if you fall off the chair people outside your party will think you are too feeble to be President.
- Do NOT answer any question unless Ron Klain whispers the answer in your ear.
- If you want ice cream make sure you bring enough for everybody. If you eat the Ice Cream have a napkin to make sure it doesn’t dribble down your chin.
- Make sure to breathe, the American people hate when their president turns blue
- If someone disagrees with one of your policies blame Putin, Trump, the evil Magas, the entire Republican party, and/or the American people.
- Our policy is NOT to encourage people to overturn their government (except for Israel)
- Demand that sports teams with names that insult certain groups should be forced to change their names. Teams such as Pittsburgh Pirates, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Oakland Raiders, and Sacramento Kings just to name a few.
- If you feel the urge to make a #1 or #2 do not do your business while sitting on your chair. Get up say excuse me and go to the men’s room.
- Do Not go into the ladies’ room to be able to sell their hair.
- When you take your seat make sure to sit in the middle of the chair, if you fall off the chair more people in your party will think you are too feeble to be President (you are).